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LiSTuREN MaN

Listerine Man
Listerine Man wants to turn your toothbrush into a lethal weapon.
PIRHO CONVENTIONAL
DU YU ReKoGNIZ xiS MaN? HE WoNTS TU TuRN YOR TUXBRus iNTU u LEXuL WePuN. HEZ LiSTuREN MaN, aND HiZ HATReD FOR JuRMZ iZ LeJeNDeRE. Do you recognize this man? He wants to turn your toothbrush into a lethal weapon. He's Listerine Man, and his hatred for germs is legendary.
HE LEDZ u SoLiTeRE eGZiSTeNS iN u KuLuRLeS saDO WuRLD DEVqD uV MIKROBEuL LIF. FRuM xiS STeRiL TWILIT ReLM, LiSTuREN MaN BRoDKaSTS HiZ MeSuJ uV HAT TU eVRE KORNuR uV xu GLOB. He leads a solitary existence in a colorless shadow world devoid of microbial life. From this sterile twilight realm, Listerine Man broadcasts his message of hate to every corner of the globe.
Listerine Man
They're germs. They deserve to die.
"xeR JuRMZ," HE DEKLeRZ. "xA DESuRV TU DI." "They're germs," he declares. "They deserve to die."
xuS HE KuMaNDZ HiZ LquL FoLOuRZ TU "sO NO MuRSE" aZ xA RUXLeSLE EKSTuRMiNAT KQNTLeS MiLYuNZ uV DEFeNSLeS MIKROSKoPiK ORGaNiZMZ. Thus he commands his loyal followers to "show no mercy" as they ruthlessly exterminate countless millions of defenseless microscopic organisms.
BuT WI? WI HaZ LiSTuREN MaN TRaNZFORMD PuRSuNuL HIJEN iNTU u FaNaTiKuL KRUSAD uV JeNOSIDuL HATReD? RESuRCuRZ HaV PoNDuRD xiS KWeSCuN eVuR SiNS LiSTuREN MaN FuRST uPERD, aND NQ, FOR xu FuRST TIM, WE oR PRESeNTing TU YU xu soKing FaKTS xaT HaV BiN DiSKuVuRD. But why? Why has Listerine Man transformed personal hygiene into a fanatical crusade of genocidal hatred? Researchers have pondered this question ever since Listerine Man first appeared, and now, for the first time, we are presenting to you the shocking facts that have been discovered.
LiSTuREN MaN iZNT u "MaN" aT oL! HE iZ, iN FaKT, aN ALEeN! Listerine Man isn't a "man" at all! He is, in fact, an alien!
xu FoLOing PiKCuRS, uBTAND aT xu KoST uV MeNE PResuS LIVZ, oR SuBMiTeD aZ iNDiSPYUTuBL eViDeNS uV xu HORiBL TRUX. The following pictures, obtained at the cost of many precious lives, are submitted as indisputable evidence of the horrible truth.
UFO
UFO photographed near Area 51.
xiS YUeFO, FOTOGRaFT BI oTOMATeD KaMuRuZ aT xu NeLiS eR FORS RANJ iN NuVaDu, iZ NON TU BELong TU LiSTuREN MaN. iT KuNTANZ xu JuRM-FRE TeLeVizuN STUDEO FRuM WiC HE uRJeZ uNSuSPeKTing VYUWuRZ to "KIL xu JuRMZ". iT oLSO HQZeZ xu SOFiSTiKATeD ViDEO EKWiPMeNT xaT HE YUZeZ TU MAK HiMSeLF uPER HYUMuN. This UFO, photographed by automated cameras at the Nellis Air Force Range in Nevada, is known to belong to Listerine Man. It contains the germ-free television studio from which he urges unsuspecting viewers to "kill the germs". It also houses the sophisticated video equipment that he uses to make himself appear human.
Listerine Man Listerine Man
Listerine Man's true appearance.
xu PiKCuR oN xu RIT sOZ WoT LiSTuREN MaN LwKS LIK WiXQT xE AD uV HiZ aDVaNST ALEeN TeKNoLOJE. NOT xE aBNORMuLE LoRJ IZ, SMoL NOZ, aND SLiT-LIK MQX. The picture on the right shows what Listerine Man looks like without the aid of his advanced alien technology. Note the abnormally large eyes, small nose, and slit-like mouth.
WE STRongLE BELEV xaT LiSTuREN MaN iZ PREPeRing xE uRX FOR aN ALEeN iNVAzuN. xE eViDeNS SuGJeSTS xaT xEZ ALEeNZ HaV NO iMYUNiTE TU uRXLE DiZEZeZ. HeNS, xA oR BoMBoRDing uS WiX aN iNTeNS PRoPuGaNDu KaMPAN, HOPing xaT WE MIT SaNiTIZ xE uRX FOR xeR uRIVuL. We strongly believe that Listerine Man is preparing the earth for an alien invasion. The evidence suggests that these aliens have no immunity to earthly diseases. Hence, they are bombarding us with an intense propaganda campaign, hoping that we might sanitize the earth for their arrival.
Stanton Friedman
Stanton Friedman offers advice.
NUKLEuR FiZiSiST aND YUeFO eKSPuRT STaNTuN FREDMuN oFuRZ xu FoLOing aDVIS: Nuclear physicist and UFO expert Stanton Friedman offers the following advice:
DU NoT Wos! DU NoT BRus YOR TEX! STA uWA FRuM HoT WoTuR aND DiSiNFeKTuNTS! xEZ JuRMZ oR QR ONLE DEFeNS! Do not wash! Do not brush your teeth! Stay away from hot water and disinfectants! These germs are our only defense!
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